School; an emotional liabilty...for the parents!

So my baby girl, Megan Dakota has started part time school, it feels weird and exciting and scary and brilliant and upsetting and worrying all at the same! It feels like two minutes since the midwife lay my new baby girl in my arms and I looked upon her beautiful face for the very first time, and I felt all of the above emotions rush over me all at once, and with all of that also came the intense protective maternal instinct and I subconsciously made a personal agreement that I was never letting this beautiful creature that I had created out of my sight. It all felt so fragile, she was so vulnerable, so dependant, and that made me feel so important and needed, so adored unconditionally because no-one could meet her needs the way that I could.

My beautiful girl

Needless to say then that the prospect of sending my vulnerable little baby to school to be looked after by strangers was incomprehensible for the first 2 years of Megan's life. Until she discovered that she had the power to manipulate daft mummy who was very much tied around Megan's little finger, and that she could invoke control by the simplest of methods that could drive mummy to drink...massive tantrums in the supermarket ('I WILL have those sweeties' mocks the Megan Monster) and hunger strikes that could last for days; my will always broke before Megan's and she would inevitably end up with a tummy full of Jaffa cakes and lolly pops for my paranoia of her impending malnutrition!

She's a clever little devil child who I love more than myself so chastising the little menace is impossible because as soon as I do I feel guilty and smother her in kisses completely undoing the punishment. Yes, I am openly admitting that I struggle to discipline my child appropriately, but I am sure I am not the only mum who finds the balance challenging, especially when there are so many different opinions on how a child should be taught right from wrong. I think back to my upbringing when a smack on the bum was inevitable if you were naughty, but then I remember how emotionally upsetting it was for me rather than physically, and it makes my stomach tighten to think that Megan feels like that when I smack her on the bum for being naughty...so I cuddle the breath out of her in guilt! Then there's the flip side which is ignoring bad behaviour so that they stop doing it. Well I find this pretty much impossible. I can't just sit and ignore Megan as she repeatedly swings her toy guitar at Ethan's head. I'm sure she would get bored eventually and stop but at the cost to my second child's consciousness I would have thought.

The Megan Monster!

So once Megan turned 2 and a half and the school phoned to ask if Megan would like to attend the cylch (pre-school) for a few hours each day it was like God had phoned up personally and offered me a little piece of heaven. If someone would have said to me that I would have been leaping at the opportunity to put Megan into pre-school in just a couple of years, back when I was sat cradling my gorgeous gurgling baby I would have defied them wide eyed and insulted, nevermind the fact that I would be paying for strangers to take over the care of my child.

Megan on her 1st day at the cylch

But the cylch has been a massive help in showing Megan how to socialise and share, and how being nice and using manners can often achieve a bigger result than throwing a tantrum. My baby has grown into a little girl over the last 6 months, I have watched her change every day, there is always something new that she has to tell me, or something she has discovered she can do, from rolling her tongue to reciting the alphabet, she impresses me all the time. I'm very aware that she is no longer a baby, but I still see her as one. She's my baby girl, and now I understand what my mum meant when she always said that about me. I don't think Megan will ever stop being my baby girl, just as I am still my mum's baby girl. I'll never forget when I had Megan, and my mum sat cooing over her, and she said 'I can't believe my baby girl has had a baby'. That seemed funny to me at the time, but now I understand, and I'll understand even more when Megan grows up and has a family of her own. How strange to think that my baby may have babies of her own one day, but how wonderful to think that they will all be a part of me, and of my mum too.

My sister, my mum and me; my mum with her baby girls!

Me with my beautiful mum at Megan's 3rd birthday

So as Megan ran into her new school grinning form ear to ear so excited, I felt a pang of panic and regret as I realised that I was no longer needed, her needs were being met by strangers now, and I was no longer important, no longer depended upon. I felt a sudden urge to run back into the school, grab her and run home with her, and keep her there..forever! I should have been pleased that there were no tears or upset, and that she was so keen for me to leave so that she could get on with her day. But maybe just one tear to show mummy that she was still important and would be missed? I secretly wished that she'd needed abitwatch mummy's disgruntled departure.

Megan in her uniform arriving at school

My heart was in my throat as I walked back down the hill with Ethan. I felt like I'd just cut off a limb and walked away. It was a tough day of watching the clock and checking my phone constantly just in case the school rang; 'hello Mrs Harding-Smith, yes I'm afraid you're going to have to come and collect Megan, she's desperately pining for you and there's just nothing we can do to console her, only a mother's love will do'...but no phone call came. Ethan cried throughout most of the day just to make matters worse, I think he missed his sister and probably picked up on the fact that mummy was moping. But we got to the school gates and Megan came running out grinning like a Cheshire cat and wanting a cuddle, and in that instant everything felt as it should, it all felt right. Megan looked at me with those big brown eyes and held her arms up to me because she'd missed me. I was still number one after all, well maybe a close second to Teddy who she insisted on seeing almost immediately!

So that was yesterday. Today was also emotional, but in more of a whimsical 'aw look at how my little girl has grown' kind of way, and I didn't mope quite so much. In fact me and Ethan had a lovely day together and I think this may be the beginning of some real quality time spent with my son who has never really had alot of one on one mummy and baby time, so now it's his turn. He's now 20 months old, and I'm dreading the day he begins school...my baby boy....he's not allowed to grow up and turn into a stroppy teenager, just as Megan isn't allowed to grow into a fiery tempered teen who wants to wear her skirt like a belt and kiss boys...Oh my God that's gonna be painful...need to start working on that chastity belt!

My babies; they love each other really!